The Lost Art of Listening
Nov 13, 2024 | Written by: | Share
As a family law attorney, I regularly witness the breakdown of communication between family members who do not listen to one another…sometimes intentionally but often unintentionally. Have people forgotten how to listen? Or are people so distracted that they cannot focus long enough to listen? It seems people listen much less than they did in years past. And the inability to listen has definitely been exacerbated by technology.
How many conversations do we have in an average day? Probably not as many face-to-face or telephone conversations as we used to have years ago. More “conversation” or communication is now through email or text messaging. When you are having an actual conversation, how often do you think the other person is not listening, not paying attention, or busy focusing on something else, such as a text message? This is very annoying and rude to the speaker. I am not talking about conversations with our children, where we have come to expect they are often not listening (and we have to repeat ourselves), but conversations with spouses, family members, friends, co-workers, and other adults. How often are you forced to repeat things within a given conversation or relay the same details in a subsequent conversation? This happens much more often than it should.
When we watch or listen to sports talk shows, or news shows where there is a panel or multiple commentators, it often appears they are not listening to each other. They interrupt each other, talk over each other, and do not actually respond to each other’s points or questions. This type of behavior is even more apparent in politics, whether during debates or interviews with the news media, politicians routinely ignore specific questions and rely on “talking points.” While it is often intentional, sometimes it appears politicians are simply not listening to the questions and reading a prepared statement.
How often have you sent a text or email with a specific question, and you get a response that does not address your question? What often happens is people are in such a hurry that they do not fully read the text or email, and they are not “listening” to what you are requesting or asking. They are busy thinking of something else or they are in a hurry to get to the next email or text.
The phrase “people hear what they want to hear” is true, in that we view things through our own lens. However, oftentimes, people are simply not listening and are jumping to conclusions about what another person said or what that person’s beliefs are. This is just as bad as judging people based upon their looks, hence the phrase “you can’t judge a book by its cover.”
Most agree that being a “good listener” is an admirable trait. So how can we become good listeners or better listeners? Here are some ways:
- When someone is speaking to you, do not think about anything else other than what that person is saying. Always make eye contact and listen intently, without being distracted by your thoughts, your phone, or anything else.
- Think about what the person has said for a few seconds before responding. Do not jump to conclusions before you have heard all the person’s words, and do not make assumptions about the person’s intention in saying those words. Just listen and then respond to the person’s specific words. Ask a question if you are unsure of the meaning.
- When someone asks you a direct question, answer the question. Do not deflect. Do not simply state your own “talking points.” Listen to the question and answer the question, whether it is through a conversation, an email, or a text message.
- Read all text messages and emails twice to make sure you have not missed something in rushing through them. Take your time in reading, and make sure you understand what is being said. Respond if the communication calls for a response. Even a simple “thank you” provides an acknowledgment that the email or text has been received and read.
This all goes back to what we teach our children at a young age, and what we learn in school. It starts with being polite and considerate. When someone is talking, do not talk. Listen. Be present in the moment, do not be distracted. If we all start to truly listen to each other, perhaps we would be able to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings and the world would be a kinder, more peaceful place.
I should also point out that if you have a legal matter and you hire an attorney, listening to your attorney is very important. It can sometimes be difficult to focus on what your attorney is advising, especially in family law matters where emotions run high and you may feel the need to vent. But remember that you are paying your attorney for advice, so it is in your best interest to listen carefully, and to ask for clarification as needed. At the same time, your attorney should also listen carefully to you, to fully understand the issues and your position. Listening is fifty percent of effective communication, and effective communication is vital to ensuring the best outcome when dealing with your attorney.
William J. Rudnik, Esq., is a partner with Gebhardt & Kiefer, PC. He is certified by the NJ Supreme Court as a Matrimonial Law Attorney. In addition to handling divorce litigation, he is qualified as a Mediator in the field of Family Law under the New Jersey Court rules, and he is trained in Collaborative Divorce. Contact Mr. Rudnik at 908-735-5161 or via email.
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Any statements made herein are solely for informational purposes only and should not be relied upon or construed as legal advice.