The Hardest Part of the Divorce Process…from the Perspective of a Divorce Attorney
Jan 10, 2025 | Written by: | Share
I often hear from clients that scheduling the initial consultation and actually going through with it is the hardest part of the divorce process. In fact, it is common for a prospective client to schedule/cancel/reschedule a consultation several times. It is also common for a consultation to occur and then 6-12 months (or sometimes more) to pass before the client returns and is “ready” to proceed.
While no one wants to encourage divorce, truly, the waiting to see if something changes, etc., is almost never a good idea. And often the proverbial other shoe drops (which I have previously written about), such as job loss, which can have a dramatic effect on your divorce. But that is not really what this blog is intended to be about.
You should leave your consultation with an education and understanding of the process, the laws, and some ideas of strategy in your case. A comprehensive consultation should take 60-90 minutes and be tailored to your needs. You should leave feeling “better” because you know have some ideas about the unknown, which can be very anxiety-producing.
Yes, starting the process or knowing how to is often difficult. There is a wealth of information online (and misinformation), so it is important to vet your sources and ultimately find an attorney whom you trust.
After consultation and selection of an attorney, the next hardest part is determining where to start formally. Should you send a letter to your spouse? Should you file for divorce? These are questions that your attorney should be helping you answer. You should NEVER feel that you do not understand the process, options and what is happening. To the contrary, your attorney should be advising you of the various options to commence the process (formally or informally), the pros/cons of each approach, and the potential consequences of each approach. He or she should educate you and provide advice to help you make the best decision you can in that moment.
The next hardest part, which may run rampant throughout the divorce process, is determining what information is wanted versus what is actually necessary. In some cases, the divorce process is the first opportunity a spouse may have to see bank statements and learn about the family’s finances. You should discuss with your attorney and carefully consider what you can do versus what you need to do. The discovery process can be an invaluable tool, but it can also be time-consuming and expensive. What do you need to see to resolve your case versus what do you want and what may be worthwhile?
The penultimate hardest part is change. Divorce changes your life. That change can be good, bad, or neutral, but it is different than you have known or become accustomed to, and that is often fear-inducing and very difficult. You may have to accept that you will not see your children every day. You may have to learn to coparent with a spouse that was abusive to you. You may have to accept a loss of control that comes with change. You may have to sell your home or relocate. These are major and significant milestones that come with a divorce, and when these are not affirmative choices that you feel you can control, they can be extraordinarily difficult. Your attorney should be able to help ease some of this trepidation by providing you with information and reasonable, realistic expectations for your divorce and its outcome.
Lastly, things in your life often get worse before they get better when divorcing. This is not true in all cases, but often, once your spouse receives the introductory letter or is served a complaint for divorce, the loss of control creates reactionary and sometimes incendiary behaviors. It is critical not to become reactionary to the other person, even though it is extraordinarily difficult. It is important not to be baited into the drama and the fight, and to persevere. Although not true of every case, in most, after it ends and the dust settles, most clients report satisfaction and express that they wish they had proceeded the first time they came in to consult rather than waiting. Most clients express a sense of relief, even though it was the most difficult thing they may have ever done. There is typically a light at the end of the tunnel and an opportunity to move on with your life in a new, positive and meaningful way that you get to dictate.
Diana N. Fredericks, Esq., devotes her practice solely to family law matters. She is a Certified Matrimonial Law Attorney and was named to the NJ Super Lawyers Rising Stars list in the practice of family law by Thomson Reuters from 2015 through 2021, to the NJ Super Lawyers list in 2023 and 2024, and to the New Leaders of the Bar list by the New Jersey Law Journal in 2015. Contact Ms. Fredericks for a consultation at 908-735-5161 or via email.
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Any statements made herein are solely for informational purposes only and should not be relied upon or construed as legal advice.