Everything I Need to Know About Divorce I Learned in Kindergarten
Jan 16, 2025 | Written by: | Share
Do you ever think back to your early school years and the lessons that were taught? If so, then you may agree that some of the most important life lessons are taught when children are young. Despite the fact that these lessons are taught at a young age and reinforced throughout our lives, we often forget as adults. Perhaps adults should be required to attend a refresher course in these life skills to reinforce just how important they are. (This may be especially true for elected officials who cannot seem to remember these lessons and cannot seem to accomplish anything as a result.)
As a divorce attorney, I am often reminded that the lessons taught back in kindergarten can help those going through the divorce process. Below are some of the lessons that come to mind, in no particular order. You may think of a lot more that can also be applicable to divorce.
- Be Polite to Everyone. Pretty basic, right? Attorneys and litigants in divorce cases should always be polite. Lawyers should be polite to their clients, to their adversaries, to the judges, and to the court staff. Litigants should be polite to each other, to their lawyers, to the judges, and to the court staff. While litigants in divorce cases do not have to be friends and do not even have to like each other, they should be polite to each other and respectful. And remember, just because someone is rude or mean to you, it does not require an unkind response. As my wife always teaches me, when dealing with such a situation, respond with kindness, as it is disarming to the rude/mean individual.
- Conflict Resolution. Conflict resolution training begins in kindergarten (or sometimes even before), yet as adults we seem to struggle with this. When there is a conflict, we should try our best to resolve it. Resolution means compromise. Nearly all divorce issues can be resolved without a judge’s decision (and here is a tip – it will be far less expensive). Through different conflict resolution processes, such as collaborative divorce and mediation, the parties can settle their divorce, but it does require compromise by both parties.
- Listen. You may recall teachers in your early school years trying to get the class to focus, pay attention, and listen. I recently wrote a blog on the lost art of listening, as this skill seems to be lost more so in recent years than ever in the past. Divorcing parties should listen to their attorneys, listen to the judge, and listen to their spouse. Attorneys should focus on listening as well. By listening, we can all learn the judge’s thoughts on particular issues, the adversary’s position on particular issues, and what may be most important to them. It doesn’t mean you have to do what the other side wants, but listening to understand can help you find a solution. It is through proper listening that we can use alternative dispute resolution techniques to resolve divorce cases.
- Share. When we see two young children sharing, it brings a smile to our faces. This skill (and it is a skill) is taught at an early age. You might ask how this applies to a divorce case… In a divorce, assets acquired during the marriage (with certain exceptions) are considered marital assets, and often it does not matter whose name the assets are in if they are acquired during the marriage. In a divorce, these assets will be split or shared between the parties. Parties who believe they are entitled to 100% of marital assets need to learn to share. Otherwise, the judge will force them to share by dividing or selling the assets following a costly trial process, which effectively reduces the value of the marital assets.
- Play Fair. Fair play is certainly taught at a young age, and attorneys and divorcing individuals should all play fair in the divorce process. It is often a violation of ethics rules for attorneys to not play fair, but fair play certainly goes beyond the ethics rules. Fair play in a divorce means being honest, disclosing all information and documents, not trying to “cheat” or “trick” the other party out of assets or support, and not trying to get more support than one is entitled to.
- Do Not Make a Mess, and If You Do, Clean Up Your Own Mess. I still have to remind my adult children of this, as they seem to struggle with it when they are home. If an attorney or a divorce litigant makes a “mess” of something by taking an unreasonable position, making an error, or doing anything that prolongs the case and prevents a settlement, the attorney or litigant should a) take ownership for causing the “mess”; and b) clean up the mess by correcting the error, changing the position, or taking actions to move the matter toward a settlement.
- Do Not Take Things That Are Not Yours. When we are children, we are taught not to take things that do not belong to us, and certainly not to take things without asking. In a divorce case, often times parties know whether there were assets that a party had before the marriage (which would result in them being exempt and not being marital assets subject to equitable distribution), or whether assets were gifted just to that party during the marriage (which would also result in the asset being exempt). If you know something is not yours and is not a marital asset, do not try to claim it as such in the divorce. While proof is certainly important, this goes back to being honest and playing fair. If you know something is not a marital asset, then concede that the other party keeps it and it is not subject to distribution in the divorce.
- Control Your Emotions. This skill is not only difficult for young children, but also many adults. Divorce is a very emotional process. It is often one of the top stressors and causes of extreme emotion. While I would never say the death of a marriage, or a divorce, is similar to the loss of a loved one, parties often go through the same five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is often difficult for parties to control their emotions in a divorce, but it is important. Do whatever self-care may be necessary to try to keep your emotions in check, whether that is exercise, therapy, meditation, or other activities. This holds true for the lawyers, as well, as often lawyers can become too embroiled in cases and take on the emotions of their clients.
- Say You Are Sorry When You Hurt Someone. Most of the time, when children and adults hurt someone it is not intentional. People hurt each other with their words, their actions, and their inactions. We should all be mindful of our words, actions, and inactions, and the impact they might have on another individual. That can help prevent hurting someone. However, if it happens and it is unintentional (we all hope people are not hurting each other intentionally, but obviously sometimes they are) we should always apologize. And when apologizing, be sincere. Acknowledge your own words, deeds, or inactions and apologize for them.
- Finally, Do Not Name Call/Hit Others. This is also pretty obvious, right? However, because of the emotional nature of divorce, we often see it play out. There is always a nicer way to get your point across rather than name calling, and physical violence is never acceptable, in any forum.
As you can see, many of these life lessons are tied together, and they really all relate to early training that teaches us to be good people. A judge I know used to say that the difference between criminal law and family law is criminals are bad people who are acting good when they are in court, and divorcing people are good people who are acting bad in the divorce process. If we all follow these lessons that we learned in kindergarten, not only will the divorce process be smoother, less expensive, and less stressful, but we will all be better people in our daily lives.
William J. Rudnik, Esq., is a partner with Gebhardt & Kiefer, PC. He is certified by the NJ Supreme Court as a Matrimonial Law Attorney. In addition to handling divorce litigation, he is qualified as a Mediator in the field of Family Law under the New Jersey Court rules, and he is trained in Collaborative Divorce. Contact Mr. Rudnik at 908-735-5161 or via email.
If you have a suggestion for a future blog topic, please feel free to submit it via the Contact Us form.
Any statements made herein are solely for informational purposes only and should not be relied upon or construed as legal advice.