Divorce Lessons Learned in Hindsight
May 9, 2023 | Written by: | Share
Divorce is often the worst time in one’s life. Dealing with a divorce from a spouse, and disagreements with that spouse over money, children, etc., can be particularly emotional, and that is exacerbated by fear of the unknown, i.e., how or when the divorce will end. It is often very difficult to hear, listen and process the voluminous amount of information and paperwork being thrown at you, coupled with having to continue working, raising children, maintaining a home, and so on.
Throughout this process, your attorney is not necessarily your friend or therapist, and there are certainly others better suited for those roles, but your attorney can make the process easier for you IF you choose to actually hear and listen to his/her advice and explanations.
Below are some words of wisdom based on my many years of experience representing clients in all types of family law matters, at all stages of the process, and the feedback I have received from my clients. I hope these lessons learned will benefit others going through this difficult process.
- If you do not understand something, ask your attorney. Don’t assume, and don’t rely on the internet or friends. Your attorney should explain things to you as many times as needed. It is also important to rely on your attorney’s advice and not that of friends and family. Their input may be well-intended, but anything substantively related to your divorce should be discussed between you and your attorney. There may be significant repercussions to the concerns and questions you have; you should only reply on the advice of your counsel. Worrying about legal fees and choosing to ask the internet (and relying on that advice) instead of asking your counsel could end up costing you significantly more.
- Avoid having to say, “I wish I had fought harder for X., Y, Z….” When in the midst of a divorce or any type of family law proceeding (custody, parenting time, support, etc.), many clients express a desire to “get it over with.” Many clients express a desire to spend the least amount possible in legal fees and time, and while that is laudable, it may not be practical nor ultimately beneficial. In the midst of a divorce or post-judgment litigation, many clients say that they just want it to end, but after they are out of the throngs of the torture that litigation can be, they see things more objectively and sometimes say, “I wish I had listened to you.” Of course, there are balanced and specific considerations in every case, but it is worth a substantive meeting with your attorney to discuss the pros/cons of certain resolution as compared to the cost/benefit of settlement/compromise. It is also crucial to try and appreciate the long-term repercussions of your ultimate decisions. Your attorney has great experience in resolving these issues and you should make the time to ask and understand the future implications of the decisions made now. If you do not understand or do not feel mentally able to process same (divorce fatigue is real), then ask about bringing a trusted confidant to your meeting or ask your attorney to confirm the discussions and explanations in writing. Then you will have something to refer back to as issues arise.
- If you are divorcing your spouse, why do you believe he/she has your best interests in mind? It is always shocking to me, still after all of these years of practice, that so many clients believe what their spouse says about what will occur or what their attorney is doing wrong. I often ask clients why they choose to believe this misinformation. I often suggest that clients take any information given to them from outside sources with a “very large grain of salt.” Your attorney has your best interests first and foremost; he/she is your advocate. His/her advice should be paramount over anyone else’s, and if you do not feel comfortable with that advice, perhaps you need to seek alternate counsel. If you choose to spend your case being influenced by outside sources, your divorce will likely be more expensive, stressful, and frustrating than it needs to be.
- Select an attorney with whom you feel confident. Your attorney is your zealous advocate and you have every right to be your own advocate, as well, and to ask as many questions as desired and needed. However, your attorney is on your side and is doing everything possible to advance your position. There is strategy to the manner in which your attorney may choose to respond (or not) to correspondence from an adversary. There is methodology in how an attorney represents your case to the judge and a mediator, amongst others. Yes, your attorney should prepare you in advance and share this strategy with you, at least at a high level. Yes, your attorney should discuss the pros and cons of certain arguments and approaches, and the costs involved as compared to the potential benefit hoped to be received. However, if you constantly feel the need to challenge your attorney, he/she may choose to withdraw his/her representation and/or refer you to another attorney. The respect and trust between an attorney and client must be mutual. It is not a friendship, but rather a rapport that allows free and candid communication. Family law matters are difficult enough to navigate under the best of circumstances; you do not need to also be challenged by or toward your counsel.
I hope these tips help you to avoid some of the common regrets that clients often express in hindsight.
Diana N. Fredericks, Esq., devotes her practice solely to family law matters. She is a Certified Matrimonial Law Attorney and was named to the NJ Super Lawyers Rising Stars list in the practice of family law by Thomson Reuters from 2015 through 2022, to the NJ Super Lawyers list in 2023, and to the New Leaders of the Bar list by the New Jersey Law Journal in 2015. Contact Ms. Fredericks for a consultation at 908-735-5161 or via email.
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Any statements made herein are solely for informational purposes only and should not be relied upon or construed as legal advice.